Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Holding on or letting go ...
A long time ago I had things to release ... to let go of ... sadness, pain, grief.
The first I dropped into a bottle and sat at the edge of a pier, far away in Africa ... except it wasn't far away then ... it was home ... i wrote a letter and set it sailing and it was symbolic but it helped me to feel that in time I would really be able to let go of all that I was holding on to ... so that I could move on.
The second was a balloon on my 30th birthday - another continent, another time - a silver helium balloon went drifting up above my rooftop and away into the skies ... my way of goodbye, my way of sorrow ... not to move on, but to accept the finality of what was.
In some ways this blog feels symbolic in a similiar way ... I am facing a big birthday milestone and it's really made me assess where I am, the choices I have made, where I thought I would be when I was staring at 20 and at 25. I feel that it's this year where I either start shining and doing and making something of myself, or it will be too late - in the conventional sense anyways. I'll stop dreaming of exhibitions and paintings hanging on walls and will make peace with being a Sunday painter, or maybe take up pottery again. And that will be that. No more thinking 'what if' and just accepting where I am and what I do have. And not in a way which is sad, just an understanding that sometimes things work out differently to what we thought. The thing is that i never dared to dream about any of it until so late ... so now I feel like if only I had started earlier ... but these are exactly the kinds of thoughts I want to let go of, so that I can make peace. Somehow. And for that not to be failing.
And so instead of the bottle or the balloon this time, I am sending my words sailing out into the blue for a year ... hoping they will come back to show me the way, or to set me free.