Yesterday I planned what I would write tonight when I got time to myself to add a new post but then the day took it's own turns (as days often do) and I am writing something completely different. I wanted this blog to be from the heart and not all about the good and the easy, sometimes also the struggles and the cloudy days ... still positive but also true to life ... seems i am writing not so much about art and more about other things but hey ho ... so it goes too.
Today I thought about how hard it is sometimes to parent. To really do right by our children and to know when they need us, and how. Just a small family situation but it made me think. My little boy had a really tough time at the dentist today - he had to have a procedure done which was not easy and he did not know it was coming (we didn't want to scare him ahead of time). An ordinary cavity appointment had to be a bit more and he was so brave and 'good' (how we reward that, don't we, when actually sometimes a bit of tantrum and shouting actually gets one's needs met more than being silent does). I couldn't be in the room with him (he is big enough to go on his own now, but not really). I couldn't hold his hand and just be there with him through the hour he was in the chair because i had my 2 year old in the playroom area with me, trying to keep her entertained so that the dentist could do his job.
In bed tonight my son told me that he was scared, but kept thinking of the future - knowing I would eventually come back into the room and that he would see me then. My heart broke a little at that thought. Of how brave he had been, and how scared and lonely. Of how I had been just a few doors away, not aware of how scary it all was for him today.
How awesomely huge the responsibility really is - to raise our children - not just to bring them safely through childhood but with health and happiness and wonderful memories and experiences and all the best chances and believing in themselves and having confidence and social skills and good friends and role models and good family relationships. And do we tell them too much or not enough at all - do we sugar coat or let them see more than they should. The list goes on and on. Sometimes it can be a little overwhelming, the bigness of it all. The capacity for getting it wrong.
I know, really not a serious life threatening situation at all for us today - just a dentist appointment and there are so many far more serious things going on for children everywhere ... but it still made me think how hard it sometimes is to know how to be there for our children, to know what they need and when. I often wonder what my children's memories will be when they grow up - what short comings they will see in me, what they will remember me not doing, or not doing well enough. Wrong decisions made, things not always seen in fullness but in isolation ... not the whole story.
No matter the things they think I did not do - I hope more than anything that they know I tried to do my best (humanly, ie not at all perfectly). And that I did it all from a place of love, even if sometimes I got it a little wrong. Which i guess is the most any of us can do. Really.