Today i woke up feeling a little sad .. the kind that creeps in when you're not looking and then once it's there it permeates everything ... cool grey misty sadness matched by the weather outside my window. Maybe it's the sadness of this time of year ... i read once that as pisceans are the first and the last sign of the zodiac they are especially sensitive to beginnings and endings - change ... and there's too much of that for me right now. Usually i embrace it, long for it ... get tired of sameness. But too much can be overwhelming. There's that balance again.
In a week we'll be in South Africa and I'll be celebrating my grandmother's birthday with her for the first time in a decade - it's not our usual time of year to visit. Home. Still now, years after leaving, my heart still floats somewhere between the berg and the sea and sometimes goes roaming in the Eastern Cape ... home is where the heart is. As a birthday gift I made her an album of photos tracing her life in a family tree and I've been thinking a lot of family and my personal history. The stories flowing through our veins, all of us. The blood, the love, the loss, the hopes, the courage, the moments of weakness. Flowing down through history and resurfacing in unexpected ways. My great-grandfather who grew up in Labrador and ended up in Africa as a missionary. How I repeated history by leaving Africa and ending up in North America. Not planned. Just how life took us. I've been feeling sad at being so far away from the day to day living, the little moments. Missing life. Today my cousin is getting married and we are thousands of miles away. Next weekend we fly home for my brother's wedding and it's wonderful that we can be there for this big milestone in his life, but it's the little moments I miss sharing in. The cups of coffee and little visits. Shopping together. Being able to help out. Babysitting. Family dinners. Small, insignificant occasions but together those moments weave a thick beautiful fabric and make one feel part of something - part of a family.
I've been thinking of how sometimes our friends become our family but that it's hard that way too ... unlike family, friends can replace you when they become bored ... grow tired of the same thoughts or stories ... wanting something new. How it's hard to find your tribe. And to find friends who really love you and stand by you no matter what. Who have your best interests at heart, not just when it's convenient. They are hard to find, those friends.
So i guess that's all part of my sadness today ... the moving on of us in our lives ... from friends and family and places we love and not always by choice ... waking up realizing that there are people missing from my side when i really need them there ....
The words are not flowing today and i'm not sure i'm making any sense ... maybe it's time to go play with my paint a little.