Monday, June 24, 2013

Having calmed down a little ....

Sometimes it's just a bad day. We all have them. And maybe venting here last week was a bit like having an online tantrum. Neither grown-up nor dignified. And certainly not good manners. Sorry everyone. 

To those of you who have been so lovely with comments and thoughts along the way in this past year and a bit, you deserve so much more .... 

Yes it got a bit much last week. And yes, i have been thinking for a while that i'd like to change things up a bit but i'm not sure how or what exactly. What form that will take. That hammock and the drinking tea sound just about perfect for some downtime reflecting and it's summer here and time for beaches and spending time with the monkeys (my human varieties, of which there are two). So a little time out seems like a good idea. But then i said that and here i am so who knows what will happen.

We have two more nights in our house. We have rented here for 6.5 years. It is the longest time i have lived anywhere since i left home when i was 17, to move a long way away to go to university. I have always moved after that. Back home for a few years and then overseas. A lot of moving in England - in London, then to Kent then Surrey then Hampshire. A lot of homes and goodbyes along the way. The gathering stone always, me, and i loved it that way.

This move marks the beginning of a new chapter for me and i think that's partly what's been unsettling me. It means we are staying here - for a while at least. That we are willing to put down roots and try to grow our children and ourselves in one place. And i am worried about all the things i want that one place to be. I have high expectations in spite of telling myself not to. I am worried that moving away will be hard on my friendships and they mean the world to me, especially here where family are so far away.

For those of you who asked, we are moving about half an hour north of where we live now ... still in Westchester county, directly above Manhattan, but to a new town a little further up - near Katonah on the map. There are lakes and farms and it's definitely more green and rural and it's beautiful. There are no shops a few minutes away, no starbucks on every corner. No big malls and it's definitely quieter and less built up. But we are hoping to find new treasures there. To stretch our legs and go on new adventures. I am hoping Hayden climbs trees and feels free in the woods behind the house. I am hoping there are kids in the neighbourhood for him to make friends with. I am hoping that the space and the green will be good for his soul, and for Lexi's. That maybe we can get a dog. And a big orange cat for Lexi. Her exact words when she asked for one. Garfield sprang to mind.

I am excited to be able to paint walls again. To leave behind the floral carpet upstairs and the pink bathroom and old kitchen. It's a brand new chapter and it's not that far away at all - i keep telling myself that, like a mantra.

In South Africa we thought nothing of driving half an hour to visit friends, and in England it was like that most of the time - even further. So i am hopeful and a little excited, mixed in with the sadness of leaving and moving on. New beginnings mean some endings too. And that's just part of the process.

So sorry for tantrums and venting a little too much ... although i strive for honesty that's not what this space was meant for. It's meant to hold a space for being true and from the heart, but not angry and pessimistic. Never that.

Here's to new chapters, whatever they may hold. To new beginnings, new paint colours and new paths, wherever they may lead.

Thank you. 

Wishing you a wonderful summer in the north, and a quick winter in the south !


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