Today was one of those days. In fact i wanted to start this post off by saying that's it folks .. sayonara (however that's spelt). And yes. I could google it. But i don't want to. Goodbye and thanks for the fish, as the 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' said it so well.I wanted to say that i think i'm done - at the end of my proverbial tether and that blogging is really just not working for me anymore and i am ready to give it up and disappear into the woods to which i am moving.
A day which held three tantrums. One of them so big that people came out of stores to watch me dragging my four year old daughter down the road after she slapped me across the face and knocked my glasses to the ground. Not my happiest mothering moment. Moments like that, and there were many today, where i wonder why i'm doing this. Thinking that being a stay-at-home mom is way overrated and that it's time i went back to work. That they'd be so much better off with someone who doesn't get emotional, who sets clear boundaries and is nicely consistent. Who speaks in a calm voice and doesn't get rattled. Who doesn't have a whole list of things to get done during the day, and who's only focus would be on them. I could leave the house at 7.00 and come back after bedtime and the week would pass in a blur and on weekends i could be more focused and maybe a little more patient and loving. The kind of mom i always wanted to be. Instead of the shrieking tired person i seem to have become. Way low on the patience front. Not smiling that much anymore.
There was a mother in the line behind me at Lego Discovery Land today. Her two year old was trying to run through the line holding us in place, where we were waiting for a ride to finish so we could have our turn. He was testing her, seeing how far he could go. Holding onto the rope, looking up at her. Trying to stand under it, but still in the right place. And then he snuck right under and started walking to where the ride was in progress, not a safe place to be. My voice would have gone up. Long before he walked under the rope. I might even have yelled, concerned for his safety and angry at being ignored. If he were mine that is. But his mother stayed calm, her voice a complete neutral. Come back Thomas. If you don't stay with Mommy you may not go on the ride. Come back. That's a good boy.
I feel like i let myself down today, and the kids. I'm feeling a little tired and jaded and uninspired is a word that's been floating around for too long in my head. I'm tired of the perfect lives i find online, the well decorated houses and the happy families with perfect smiling kids who go on wonderful day trips and never have food stains on their clothes. Tired of everyone else's perfect careers and ability to multi task and endlessly juggle. Tired of beautiful trips and travel photos and all the wonderful things they are doing. Tired of feeling homesick and not knowing when i'll be back - on so many levels. I know it's partly because i'm working on finishing Lexi's memory book from last year so that all the bits and pieces of paper are not lost in the move, and there are photos of home and family and a beautiful wedding we went back for. But it's more than that - it's always there, for me - that sense of loss, of something missing. How badly today when i lost my temper and felt like sitting in my car to cry, how badly i would have liked to call up my mom to say can you take them for a little bit, i'm feeling so cross and they are so tired and it's a tough time for all of us right now - they just need someone to lavish them with time and hugs and to listen to what they are saying instead of being distracted and turning the tv on for them. Like i have been. And can i come for coffee too actually ?
But there are oceans and oceans and i haven't mastered the art of teleportation yet, much as i have tried.
So that's how it goes ... and maybe this isn't the place to be venting but i'm not feeling patient with perfect tonight.
Maybe it's time for something else - i feel as if everyone on the planet has a blog. Almost everyone. OK, i know - slight exaggeration. But still. It's just like churning out the same as everyone else and i'm not so happy with any of it at the moment. Not sure what's next. Not sure what to change it to. But something different methinks. There's really no point when it's feeling flat and when i'm boring even myself to tears !
So that break i was talking about ... for moving (7 sleeps!) ... i'm taking some time away from this blog and from the online community i am following. Time to settle into a new home and a new community around me. Time to paint walls and figure out what's next in my chapter. Maybe it's time to go back to work. Maybe there are things i need to finish first. I'm just not sure. And this sense of dissatisfaction has been around for too long. I don't want this to be the place that i come to to moan and lament. That was never the point.
Maybe there will be something new on the horizon or maybe i just need to sit in my hammock and stare at the soon-to-be-my trees and drink tea. And think. In between painting walls and the inevitable yelling at kids. Can a leopard change it's spots ? I'll get back to you on that. Maybe.
So dear hearts - thank you for reading ... for all the lovely comments and support along the way. This journey is ending but maybe a new one will begin. I shall wait and see.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.