It's official. I have the January Blues. The time of year when the nights are ever so dark and the cold is not just cold, it's freezing. All the excitement of the past months is finally over - from October birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving to Christmas and New Year. It's suddenly done. It's the month of taking down all the festive decorations and lights and the tree and suddenly the spaces which were twinkly-sparkly-beautiful look plain and dull in the winter light.
Every year it hits me the same way and so now it's an official Thing. These January Blues. Maybe a good title for a blues song. Didn't Bessie Smith have a song by that title ? It's too long since i studied Appreciation of Music, that extra credit thrown in to make up a degree and i'm not even going to google it to check. That's what the January Blues does to me.
So if this is a birthday month for you, or you're celebrating a wonderful event or going on holiday, i'm so sorry, i don't mean to rain on your parade. Or if you're lazing on a hot beach, or skiing in Europe with a whole group of friends (I'm truly happy for you guys, really i am, just using you as an example, honestly) ... that's great and i don't envy you one bit. Not in the slightest. But here's my list of all the reasons I do not love January. Not at all.
I mentioned the early dark evenings and the very very cold.
Which means that the kids are inside ALL the time and have nowhere to burn off their energy. Which means a LOT of fighting.
All of the above makes me crave sugar. A LOT of sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Sugar. (How come the best things in life contain sugar ?)
And also, a lot of snacks. As in, i crave them - all day long - and have them - all day long. Since there is nowhere to go because of the cold which means it's also a little bit boring and so i break up my day with snack breaks to mark the slow passing of time. That's my excuse anyway.
And even though i try to keep the portions small, 30 small snacks a day is a lot of food.
Which in turn makes me super cranky and grumpy. NO, it has nothing to do with all the sugar or caffeine. Yes i KNOW exercise would make me feel better and NO, i don't want to do any. And NO THANK YOU i DON'T want any salad. Can you pass the cheesy-garlic bread please. And another glass of wine.
In January i don't want to do anything.
I hate my hair.
I hate my face.
I don't like any of my clothes.
I have nothing to wear.
I don't want to go grocery shopping or collect the mail. I want to stay in bed.
I feel overwhelmed by loads of endless laundry and the constant tidying and why does nothing ever feel finished in this house.
We have lived in this house for over 6 months now and not one room is finished. Not in the 'designery' finished that we see in magazines. Just finished. As in - put together, complete, vaguely co-ordinated, done. I am happy with all the furniture and the pictures hanging on the wall. Not one room can i say that about.
Nothing goes with anything and i am tired of all the mismatched lamps.
And that rug that has a stain on it.
In January i don't have any friends and nobody loves me.
I would like to be jetting off to a Caribbean island in February, but instead we are having to choose between a new couch and sorting out my painting room and going back to South Africa. Which really is not fair. I NEED to go home and see my friends and family and a week in the bush with friends i miss VERY much is just exactly what i need. In fact i want to go tomorrow and not have to wait till July.
It is January and would have been my dad's birthday yesterday. I have no memories of him. In January, this hurts more than any other time of the year.
In January i would like to go and shout at all the trees standing so quietly. It's just too quiet out there, ALL of the time. And it's so cold for the deer. Where are the deer ? I hope they are alright.
The world has disappeared and it is just me and my mismatched rooms and the kids shouting and me yelling and time for another snack and more snow is on the way.
I keep getting links from Greenpeace telling me about global warming and climate change and they are using the temperatures from MY part of the world and a map showing WHERE I LIVE to illustrate this point. In January, i want to bury my head in the sand (any warm sand, anywhere, so long as it's not snow) and NOT READ ONE MORE WORD.
It is January. I have read all the good books in the world and seen all the good movies. The next event I have to look forward to is ... the kids leaving for college ? Old age ? My life feels over.
It is January and i am NOT being melodramatic.
It is January and I am going back to bed.