Wednesday, September 10, 2014

With the house suddenly quiet ...

The house is quiet. The bus left ages ago, a yellow blur along the road. The hours stretch out slowly before me. There is no haste and no need to rush. I pad from room to room just taking in the light. I drink tea on the deck and i sit in silence, not going anywhere. The lists in my head grow quiet and i watch the shadows dancing. Baby deer wander through the garden. They ignore me and move up into the woods, slowly grazing. 

I savour the last days of summer light, hot sun soaks through to the bone. I drink more tea and find my tori amos cd's. It's been a lifetime ago since i listened to these but when the music starts memories come flooding back. I try to work on a book that's been lying waiting for over a year but it seems I have forgotten how to write and the words come out all wrong. I drink more tea and think maybe i'll bake some cookies.

Slowly slowly settling into a new routine with time to myself for the first time in a long time. It's like wearing in a new pair of jeans. The ones that come home stiff and unyielding and way too dark from the store but after a few months of walks and curled up on the couch watching movies and cheering on from the sidelines during football games and bending to kiss a grazed knee and wiping soup and flour and streaks of paint and a few hundred washes ... they're softened and light blue and have become a second skin. That's what I am waiting for. Trying on new jeans. 

One day at a time.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Around here ... and grape jelly.

It's been a little while since i felt like writing .... in my head i jot down thoughts and write imaginary posts but then they waft away and are gone. It's been a little while because our summer didn't quite go to plan and i wasn't sure how to explain ... as things go sometimes. I was dreaming of a month spent hanging out in the garden, no schedules or homework or anywhere to be in a hurry - reading in the hammock and taking naps, kids playing happily, trips to the beach and the pool. A lot of ice cream.

Instead it was all upside down with things unforseen, and time needed to recover from sadness. We pulled inwards and withdrew a little, not wanting company or to be social. We got lost in football and nights on the field during practice ... bugs floating, flower-picking ... watching the night softly fall, the cicadas chirruping through the grasses. We lost a bit of summer, last month, but now we're savoring the late afternoon light and the cool of early mornings and the time for new beginnings.

Somewhere along the way i mislaid my creative mojo too. That spark. It just ... went out. I know to be patient, it's happened before, but something about this time feels a lot more final. As if I somehow realized that my time is up as far as painting goes. It was by now, or never. And that's just how it worked out. It's not something I need to do anymore. If I don't paint, life goes on. There was a time when that was not the case. 

I know the fire burns down sometimes, it's the natural cycle of things creative. It has to be stoked and brought back to life. It needs walks in the woods and time at the beach, quietly. Good books and rainy days and thought provoking movies. Music does it sometimes. A pottery class or trying something new. A trip. Or baking. Somehow i always end up in the kitchen. Maybe to keep my hands busy and my head free to float. But sometimes I also see work out there that takes my breath away and I think, if i can't do that, then i don't want to do this at all. I want to take someone's breath away too.

Today was our first day back at school, the house quiet for hours. For the first time in a long long time, I had a whole day to myself. I sat and drank tea on the deck and listened to the woods and the sun shone and the wind chimes tinkled and I thought ... this is enough. Right here.

And i baked muffins and made my first ever grape jelly. From scratch. Canning and everything. Two burnt fingers and a red-splattered kitchen do not seem too high a price to pay for jars of sticky red sweetness. Pancakes for dinner to celebrate the first day of school.

And fall around the corner, bringing with it thoughts of fresh orchard doughnuts and pumpkins and apples ... wearing jeans and sweaters again. I am ready for the change in season. I am ready for a cool wind to blow and to huddle up inside. I am ready to be quiet for a few months longer. I need the quiet. And summers are never really good for being quiet.

So if it's quiet around here, it's just me sitting on the deck sipping my tea .. watching the deer and the wild turkeys. Thinking about creative juices and how to stoke the fire and dreaming of distant shores and journeys not yet taken.

Love and light always.