Now that things are a little more definite, I am posting it again - apologies if you subscribe to my posts and have received this more than once.
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May 3rd ....
I have been very very quiet in this space.
The past 3 months have been some of the hardest I have ever been through.
My marriage is at the brink and I didn't see it coming.
I am holding so much grief, and the tears do not stop flowing.
The words are stuck in my throat. They fill me up, strangling me inside, but I cannot spit them out. They would be pure venom.
I need to swallow them whole and wait until I am calm and forgiving. But I am not there yet. I am trying to hold space for us both in this story but it is a day to day battleground, and I am losing.
For now there are tears and sorrow, and taking each day one step at a time.
It is all I can do.
I still believe in Love. The real, true, honest-to-goodness love of marriage vows that are not broken, the kind that sticks through good and bad, that talks and opens up when there is pain, not the kind that closes off and goes searching in other places. The kind that stays True. The kind that does not lie. The kind that wants to stay. That sees value in 17 years and 2 children.
I still believe in Love.
Only maybe no longer for me.