Thursday, January 5, 2017

To a New Year ....

Welcome 2017 ....

Today would have been my Father's birthday. 
Today is the day, a few years ago, that I first put word to page in this space .... 

And so ... a new start.
I am all for new chapters.

Never have i welcomed a New Year with the same longing and joy as I have this year.

Last year knocked the stuffing out of me.
Quite literally.

It threw me against the wall and across the floor.
It beat me up and just kept going. 
No respite.
It woke me up when I had finally fallen asleep after hours of tossing and turning and wrestling with my thoughts, to turn on all the lights and jump around the room mocking and laughing.
It crept up on me when I was least expecting it, a quiet moment with a cup of tea, and yelled into my ear, making me jump ... tea everywhere.
It ground me.
It crushed me.
It broke me in pieces.

I thought I would drown in my grief.

But here I am.

And loss does not disappear, and grief does not have 'closure'.
This much I have learnt.

But we learn to live with it.

And we wake up and start again, day after day.

And somewhere along the line - one day - we wake up and the first thing we feel is not a sense of pressing pain, foreboding.
We think about coffee. And look at the light filtering in. 

And then we know. Time has been gracious to us, and helped us move on.

Just a tiny bit. But every forward motion counts.

It is a new Year, and New Year, I welcome you.

You won't be perfect, and I know you will hold your own losses and grief, your disappointment and pain, but for now, I am content to be standing on the blank page of the next chapter. Focusing on what I hope will be the joyful and the good.

On New Years Eve, a new tradition .... hopes and dreams for the year ahead, and all the things to be let go of ... paper lists in the fire .... we burnt the parts that caused us pain, and let the smoke of the dreams and hopes rise up to the heavens.

A new Year.

Here we go.


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